The Age of Divorce
Advice to those going through it, those who are yet to go through it and those I hope will never go through it!
Is it me or does it kind of feel like something’s in the water? As I get older, I've noticed how divorce just seems to be more prevalent. A few friends, some parents from my kids’ school, and like every other celebrity couple are calling it quits.
Sadly, it’s not me! A quick Google search shows that as of 2021, the average divorce rate in the UK was 42%, increasing year on year- so definitely something to take note of. To an extent it makes complete sense - it's a profound decision to commit to someone for a lifetime, one that we'd be foolish to assume we'd always get right – we are human after all. And no matter your maturity, the length of time invested, or how strongly you once felt, shit changes- that much is constant.
Let's be honest; some of us really struggle to decide what to eat for dinner or watch in the evenings and that's a not-so-subtle nod to our current life - increased access to everything (which is not great for those with wandering eyes or those that lack focus or contentment)!
I've been married to my husband for 7 years. We’ve been together for 12 years. I’m more in love with him today than when I first fell in love with him (and I hope the feelings mutual:/) I can’t say what the key to a happy marriage is because truthfully I think we’re still in the early stages (ask me in 43 years) but I can say what works for us.
Communication, honesty and trust. I think those are the key ingredients but of course, there are many more needed to season it up. Nonetheless, I’ve reached the age where I now know people who belong to each of the 3 distinct groups and here’s what I want to say:
To my dear friends going through divorce:
You are not alone. We stand by your side, offering our unwavering support and keeping you in our prayers. While I never wish for any couple to part ways, I will never advocate for staying in a relationship that has passed the point of no return. Each individual will understand when they get there, and it's a deeply personal decision for each and every one of us.
Navigating a divorce is one of life's toughest challenges and I don’t even know the half. From the sidelines, I can see the way my friends have had to reconfigure their whole lives away from what was once a constant- dealing with questions, guilt, embarrassment and some tremendously lonely nights (and that's even without children or a truly difficult partner factored in).
For those who have emerged from this experience, I want to say that I'm incredibly proud of your resilience, not everyone has the strength to leave a bad relationship. That shedding of the old and embracing of the new has been liberating and transformational for them and I can truly bear witness that my friends have become better versions of themselves, going on to receive better things for themselves.
To my single friends:
Choosing a life partner is perhaps the single most significant decision you'll ever make. Your partner can make or break you. They can give you wings or they can ground you. They can empower you or depower you. You share their outlook, you share their reasoning, you share their maturity. If they are emotionally immature, if they are reactive/jealous, flippant about things that matter or live in negative paradigms- that alters and affects your perception too, you are not immune.
In your twenties, your identity is evolving and changing at a faster rate than in the decades ahead. There's no need to rush. But remember that there is no such thing as a perfect partner - what you are looking for is a persons ability and willingness to work on themselves. That growth and adaptability will take you through life’s many challenges. Simply, relationships require effort.
To my friends who are married:
Keep moving forward, one day at a time. Life has become more complex than ever before, with the advent of social media, increased access to people, temptations, and distractions. People are juggling more, worrying more, and carrying heavier financial burdens than ever before. Life often feels like one big game of whack-a-mole, but you are doing a great job.
My personal recommendation is to be intentional. Be deliberate about spending time together (there’s a great video on Instagram about this that I’ll share), about listening and communicating, and about celebrating your shared and individual successes.
As life unfolds, let’s try not to lose sight of what truly matters. Mine are God, my husband, and my kids- if something doesn’t uplift and enrich those three things, then it’s not for me - what are yours?
Of course, the camps are more complex than I’ve written about (for e.g. some may be contemplating divorce, others may be crossing from one camp to another ) but whatever stage you are at, I recommend two things:
A mentor (an individual or a couple) who’s a few steps ahead of you in this journey.
Some type of therapy. Therapy to cleanse you of the negativity of the divorce, therapy to keep you married and therapy to refine yourself so you know what you are looking for. (Definitely check out Marriage Therapy on BBC for some insight)
Bonne Chance